The Joy of Sexual Physics

with Dr John

"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"
QUANTUM SEXUAL PHYSICS

Q My boyfriend, Peter, has a very small penis. In fact, it is so small that I can’t actually see it, although he assures me that it exists and informs me when it is erect. Recently, through my study of physics, I have learnt that the laws of quantum mechanics become apparent at the level of the very small, and was wondering what implications this might have on our sex life?
Mary
A The area of physics that applies to the very small is called quantum theory. Suppose we take your boyfriend’s word for it that his penis actually does exist, then quantum theory says that in addition to having a material existence, his penis also has a wave function that measures its probability of existing in every state at every point in space and time. When an observation is made, his penis exists in one of these states and locations; but before observation, his penis exists in a nether state described by the sum of all possible states. If you don’t understand this, then don’t worry because if you think you understand it, then you have probably misunderstood. Einstein despised this interpretation of quantum theory because of his belief that God does not play dice with penises. Schrodinger despised it because he thought it was absurd to think of a pussy that could be both dead and alive at the same time. It is probably safe to say that nobody properly understands quantum physics; it just conforms to all the observations.

An explicit example of this is the double slit experiment. In this experiment, a beam of electrons is shot through two slits and a photographic film placed behind the slits records the resulting pattern. If the electron were simply a material particle obeying the laws of classical mechanics, then we would expect to see two tiny lines burned into the photographic film behind each slit. However, what we actually see is an interference pattern corresponding to the interference of two waves. When electrons are shot one at a time, we see the same pattern. The explanation of quantum physics, and the only explanation consistent with these observations, is that the probability distribution of the each electron spreads out over space, allowing a single electron to penetrate both slits simultaneously and proceed to interfere with itself behind the slits.

Your boyfriend’s penis is not that different from an electron. If it is small enough, then its wave function will also spread out over a space large enough for it to penetrate more than one slit simultaneously. In fact, the smaller the penis, the more slits it will be able to penetrate at once. If you were to line up a number of ladies on a bed, your boyfriend would be able to thrust into all of them at once. To be optimistic about his penile inadequacy, what he will lose in quality of stimulation, he will gain in quantity.

So you may wonder, if your boyfriend were to ejaculate while his penis-wave-function is penetrating multiple slits simultaneously, how many ladies could he potentially fertilise? Could the wave function of his spermatozoa fertilise every lady whose slit he is penetrating, so that he could fertilise multiple women simultaneously? Well, according to quantum theory, although the wave function of his penis can spread out over space to penetrate multiple slits at once, his penis is still a material object that goes through one slit or the other, as are also his spermatozoa. And so with every entry involving an ejaculation, he will at best only fertilise one lady. The best he can do to get around this restriction is to ejaculate over many consecutive entries, because if his penis randomly goes into a different slit with each entry, then he could conceivably fertilise a different lady with each ejaculation.

But will these ladies want to mother his child? After all, penis size is largely genetic, and in the event that their child is a boy, they will probably want him to be more generously endowed than your boyfriend. A form of contraception is therefore advisable, but a simple condom will be ineffective. At such small sizes, quantum theory predicts that the spermatozoa will simply tunnel through the condom. If a spermatozoon is ejected from a very-small-penis, then it logically follows that the actual spermatozoon must be even smaller than the already-very-small-penis. Since the consequences of quantum mechanics become noticeable at the level of the very small, then each spermatozoon will have a probability distribution that will actually smear through the condom. And given the huge sample size of spermatozoa ejected in even a modest ejaculation, it is a near certainty that one of these will tunnel through the condom to cause fertilisation.

This fact confers a dangerous selective advantage to men-with-very-small-penises because these men can pass their genes on to the next generation more efficiently by deceptively fertilising ladies under the illusion that they are being protected against fertilisation by using a condom. This enhanced reproductive efficiency is multiplied by the ability of men-with-very-small-penises to fertilise multiple ladies every time they indulge in sexual intercourse. From one perspective, the development of a very small penis could be considered the next step in male hominid evolution.

The only contraceptive protecting humanity against the prominence of males-with-very-small-penises is the quantum prediction that before a very-small-penis is observed, then there is a probability that it doesn't really exist. This probability is probably quite high because a subatomic particle, atom or molecule probably can't urinate or copulate on its own. If it could, then we would all be covered in microscopic penises. Before you agree to participate in any of the sexual implications opened up by very-small-penises, check your boyfriend out under the electron microscope. As a general rule, it doesn't exist until you observe it.

Got a problem, or even just a question?
Pour it all out to John.
Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John Marshall, Ph.D. Sexual Physics has been a sex and relationships writer taking the little-known sexual wisdom from the ivory tower realm of the theoretical physicist to the layperson.
Feel free to write to him at johnmm@ucla.edu or you can visit his webpage at www.sexualphysics.com.