Who?

Hu Jintao visited Bush at his ranch, and also had a lot of problem getting the Americans to recognize his name, like

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

So after he returned, he told his important advisors, Du Fu the poet, Han Yu the essayist, and Confucius the political scientist, to print English namecards with versions of their names that Americans would find easy to recognize: "I am afraid Du Fu sounds like bean curd to foreigners, Han Yu sounds like Hang You, and Confucius is an honorific title for others to use to call you, but not for you to call yourself - Confusing, right?"
After a long discussion, Du Fu adopted the English name Jimmy Du, derived from Du Zimei, a literary alias he regularly used; Han Yu adopted Charlie Han, from Han Changli, an alias derived from his residence; Confucius adopted Johnny Kong, from his literary alias Kong Zhongni. Jimmy, Charlie and Johnny went to visit George's ranch, and Sino-American relations improved greatly since then. It shows the importance of namecalling.
You dont agree? Hu are you?

Conversation with An Intelligent Communist

Recently we commemorated the 150 year anniversary of the publication of "Communication Monitor" by Marx and Spencer. To celebrate this event, we succeeded in getting an interview with Mr Groucho Marx:

We: Mr Marx, 150 years after Communication Monitor, do you see a future for communism?
Marx: Of course; I see the word Monitor on the front pages of newspapers every day lately.
We: Really? but... look: it says Monica not Monitor.
Marx: Really? my eyes are not as good as they were 150 years ago...
We: What was your reaction when the Berlin Wall collapsed?
Marx: All barriers to communication must be removed. But you see Germans still lead the world in engineering: where else would you have walls that stand for 30 years? You know in Singapore, they tear down condos after less than 10 years with these enblock sales...
We: What was the meaning of your slogan "Protocols of the World, Unify!"?
Marx: We were addressing the historical problem of the Tower of Babel. The Tower could not be completed because of the lack of a standard language among the construction crews.
We: It is one thing to have an idea; was there any action to follow through?
Marx: Oh yes. It was taken up by Bill Gates of Microsoft, Bill Joy of Sun Microsystems, and Bill Clinton of Lewinsky Enterprises, who are working towards an object-oriented shared middleware system linking together the financial organizations of the world, to prevent the recurrence of the Asian economic crisis, and sex scandals involving presidents and finance ministers.
We: Looking back on your career, do you feel you made the world a better place?
Marx: Certainly, but the rest of the world is only starting to acknowledge it; last week I was invited to join a club for the first time in my life.
We: but I thought you disapprove of clubs.
Marx: That's right; no club that wants me to be a member could be any good.
We: what are your plans for retirement?
Marx: I need to add to my Capital; just a few days ago, Spencer asked me about opening a department store with him. You know I got some name recognition and advertising value... We plan to have branches in Russia and China. There is this guy Stalin who wants to expand our operation to East Europe.
We: so you are looking forward to the future.
Marx: Indeed I am; a belief in the inevitability of history - that is what scientific socialism is all about...
We: thank you Mr Marx.
Marx: nice talking to you.

Conversation With a Living Buddha

In the interest of press balance, after our interview with the atheist Marx, we talked to one of the well known religious leaders of our time, Mr Li of Fa Lun Gong.

We: let's start with your main thesis, that we can improve our life by breathing exercises.
He: that's obvious; if you stop breathing, you die; if you can breath forever, you live forever; bad breathing gives bad life; good breathing good life.
We: is that why breathing can save us from the end of the world?
He: sure; if the world ends, we all stop breathing; but if breathing continues, then the world has not ended.
We: since the world will end, do you plan to give away all your money?
He: no, but people have been giving money to me.
We: why would a living buddha need money?
He: you can promote many good causes with money.
We: such as?
He: I have started Wan Lo Gong, to help beautiful women of the world find husbands; we guarantee success.
We: now that's impressive; can I join?
He: sorry; members must be below 29 years in age, height between 5'2" and 5'6", and pass a good looks and nice personality test; I dont think you qualify...
We: I also heard about Shou Xing Gong; is that another one of your societies?
He: oh yes; join and you'll live forever.
We: what do members have to do to achieve this, besides breathing forever?
He: eat forever; we have different branches like Tom Yum Gong, Mi Tian Gong and Mo Yum Gong...
We: but Mi Tian Gong? that means in Mandarin... (throws up on the Living Buddha, which brings the interview to an end)